There was a period in my life where I felt as though I knew exactly how things were going to go. I knew what college I was going to go to, which college would preface that, the hardships I was going to face, the fights with people who are close to me I was going to have, the friends I would lose, what competitions I would compete in, my career path, and much more felt like a known factor.
The only problem is that I didn't see myself alive past 18. It may sound insane, but I literally had no idea I was going to live past the age of 18, and was terrified every day for a long time that I would just stop existing, because I couldn't see the set path in front of me.
Fast forward 5 years. Each day still feels like it shouldn't be happening, so at least once a day, I try to appreciate some aspect of the world around me. Things have become crazy and amazing, and there's no way of telling it's not going to hit the fan in the next three minutes.
Maybe I'll grow old and bitter. Maybe I'll become famous at the drop of a hat. Maybe I'll marry and live the white picket fence life. Maybe none, or all.
Somehow not knowing is better. It's hectic, and I feel like there aren't many chances to relax, but then I take a deep breath, and realize that every second I'm alive I can have comfort in that. When I die, I may not even know it anyway.
Today was busy. Lots of writing postcards, sending off important emails, buying camera equipment for the darkroom, and mentally prepping for the semester ahead. Dragon Con is this coming weekend, and I believe Angela and I are going to be working security.
Nothing feels ready or real, but that's life for you.
Today is the end of being able to see where the road goes. Today is a new beginning of real adventures outside of my head.
